It’s a fun and busy time for the hard-pedaling news cyclists, filled with stories of great interest and import. Here’s a smattering of recent goodies which set the nation’s gums flapping.

Wendy’s Unveils “Dave’s Hot ‘N Juicy Burger”
The first Wendy’s opened in 1969. Now in 2011 they have come to the realization that “hot and juicy” is how we peoples loves our burgers. One must applaud Wendy’s (Applause!) for their blunt honesty, admitting they didn’t know something backyard grill-meisters have known since the advent of controlled outdoor cooking and mankind has known since taking its first bite of cooked meat. Wendy’s, bless their adorable naivety, basically said, “Yeah, we know the burgers we’ve been serving for decades, while cutely molded into a square shape, were never juicy and rarely hot. Ooops! Our bad.”

Splashed on their website is the following statement (in a homey, Jiffyesque kind of font): Our founder Dave Thomas said it best, quality is our recipe. To honor his legacy, we’re bringing you new thicker, juicer hamburgers with the freshest premium toppings.

Thicker! Juicier! Freshest! I love their enthusiasm! Yet another part of me sets to wondering. When they say right up front quality is our recipe, then follow with To honor his legacy, doesn’t that imply, perhaps, quality wasn’t their strong suit? Isn’t there a subtle inference that despite their past professed commitment to good old Dave’s legacy, maybe they were fibbing a bit? By taking the bull by the horns (so to speak) and now offering a product good old Dave never envisioned in the 32+ years he ran the company…well, actually I’m not sure how that’s honoring good old Dave, but I’m not answering to a bunch of hungry stockholders. Hot ‘N Juicy? Good luck, fellas. I’ll see you at Five Guys.

Michaele Salahi Scoots Off with Journey’s Drummer
This is not a lighthearted story. Taqeq and Michaele Salahi, they of White House party crashing fame, are experiencing marital problems. Although their current story is filled with tawdry innuendo we should not make assumptions about these people we don’t know. We mustn’t forget that a man and woman, once deeply in business arrangement, have split with her reportedly taking solace with another man. It’s an old saga – and a sad one. Therefore, I aim to give the tale the dignity it richly deserves.

Although Michaele, one of the more ardent fame seekers in recent memory, went running to longtime Journey drummer Neil Schon with open arms, I won’t judge. It would be downright degrading to imply Mrs. Salahi is lovin’, touchin’, and squeezin’ her way to continued fame. Her private moments may be filled with tears and she probably wants us to see her misery and realize who’s cryin’ now.

True love is a mystery as old as life. As long as the wheel in the sky keeps on turning, people will plumb the intricacies of this powerful emotion. I’m sure Michaele is busy exploring her feelings in an effort to better understand her needs. As for poor cuckolded Taqeq, keep your head high, brother. A great many people have thrived after going their separate ways. Don’t stop believin’!

Facebook Changes It Up Again
You would’ve thought we went to war. Again. The vitriol engulfing Facebook earlier this week after they once more changed their look and feel was similar to that which emboldens young men and women to race to their local induction station and take up arms against the menacing evil empire. I expected to hear a barrage of patriotic songs rallying the troops against Czar Zuckerberg. People were angry! I’m sure Google+ saw an uptick in membership.

Whenever Facebook makes these types of changes – which they do often enough – it alters the user experience. Still, within a week everyone adapts. Information circulates how to disable those things which are especially intrusive and everyone settles into a normalcy of sorts. Until the next round of changes. Then trumpets sound and it’s back to the battlefield. Round and round we go.

With every change I’m struck by the same two, unsympathetic to Facebooker truths. (1) You can dump Facebook if you don’t like what they’re doing. People leave all the time. I suspect it won’t create a huge void in your life. I sure hope not. And… (2) It’s free! Complaining about something that is free which you can freely join or leave seems like, I dunno, silly. Social media continues to evolve. In The Social Network the Zuckerberg character says he doesn’t know what Facebook is, what it can be. I suspect there’s still a certain grain of truth in that.

Hey wait a minute! What’s this I see? WordPress rolled out changes to their interface? Without consulting me?? The nerve! Those lousy, miserable, money-making, internet capitalists! Who do they think they’re messing with here? They shall rue the day! eBlogger, here I come!

R.E.M. Calls It a Day
Thanks Michael, Mike, Peter (and yes, Bill) for 31 wonderful years and an insanely varied and tremendous catalog of music. You’ve enriched the culture and our lives. We should all be so fortunate to leave such a positive imprint.

  1. sparklebumps says:

    Perhaps it’s my sick and twisted brain, but I believe I wish to hear the term “Hot and juicy” in reference to porn, and never food.


  2. brainrants says:

    Dude, I f*****g HATE Wendys. I did a rant involving that chain…


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