Trask Avenue

One of the beautiful things about having 7,000 television channels is the variety of restorative opportunities it provides. Whenever I’m feeling a bit underwhelmed with myself, I can randomly switch on the set and find something which immediately makes me feel better about whatever minor internal drama is at play. One example is House Hunters.

If you’ve never seen it, House Hunters is a show where people in the market for a new home tour three houses and then pick the one which is Just Right for them. There’s a visceral thrill peeking in a stranger’s house and watching other strangers decide if it will be a perfect fit for them and their snippy French Poodle. Inevitably, they choose the worst house based on their requirements. They certainly don’t pick the one I’d pick if I were them. Then again, I wouldn’t own a French Poodle, so I suppose there’s a certain cosmic balance to it all. The interplay between the principals makes the show a kind of Dumb and Dumber for the property challenged. Watching buyers compromise their needs and realtors jettison their ethics as easily as you or I would eat a potato chip makes a person feel pretty good about their life.

Even though the buyers generally make the wrong decision and could benefit from a significant intervention in the form of a mallet to the head, it’s the real estate agents who deserve the most serious smack down. Every episode they commit the same errors, grievous errors which insult the people from whom they are trying to score a 6% commission. Remarkably, I seem to be the only one who realizes it. If a realtor did any of this stuff to me they would lose my business faster than you can say “foreclosure.”

You Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Budget
No matter what ceiling price the potential buyers give, realtors always show houses which will blow that budget apart much like John McClane does office buildings. They justify this sleazy practice by saying things like “I want Sammy and Samantha to see what a little flexibility can get” or “I know this is above their budget, but when Chip and Buffy stop and think about how much they’d enjoy an arboretum with a southern exposure they’ll be thrilled I showed this house to them.” No wonder the entire mortgage industry is collapsing like a house of cards. Of course it’s not the realtor’s fault the buyers don’t possess the sense of a gnat.

Keep An Open Mind!
With a Brady Bunch sized brood the family needs at least 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Why then does the realtor show them a house with 3 bedrooms and 1 ½ baths? Oh right, the curb has unique stonework simply not found in other neighborhoods.

Beowulf runs an internet business from home. He doesn’t say what type of business which is probably for the best. For this little capitalistic venture he requires a private office. With multiple locks. Why then does the realtor stroll through an open hallway and say, “This would be perfect for your office, Beowulf.” Oh right, because Beowulf has yet to see the amazing giant elms in the backyard.

Bubba and Emmy Mae own 5 cars and need space for all of them. Why then does the realtor show them a condo on Crowded House Boulevard with no assigned parking spots? Oh right, in this part of the city you really don’t need a car and if they sold grandpappy’s 1963 Buick Riviera they could probably swing the down payment.

Let Me Offer Professional Guidance (You Ignorant Twits)
While the other two skim along the edge of unethical, this one is just annoying. While walking through the house the realtor offers little tidbits to help the buyer visualize how they can utilize the house. It goes something like this (and I’m not exaggerating):
Walking up to the house – “The front door has a window which is helpful when you want to see who’s ringing the bell.”
Foyer – “From this entrance point you can go anywhere in the house.”
Hall Closet – “This is a convenient place to hang your coat.”
Living Room/Family Room – “A television would look perfect in here.”
Kitchen – “As you see there’s an oven. This is where you would cook your dinners, Hortense.”
Dining Room – “A table with chairs in this space would be ideal for those times you feel like eating.”
Small Bedroom – “It’s a good place to sleep. The rest of the time you’ll be too busy enjoying the house!”
Large Bedroom – “It’s a good place to get away from the rest of the house.”
Basement – “Look at these shelves! Perfect for storage!”
Backyard – “When the sun is shining in the summer you can relax out here.”

Trust me. You don’t need self-help books. You don’t need the welcoming shoulder of a friend. You don’t even need therapy. All you need is one small television to put your good fortune in proper perspective.