Trask Avenue

Personal resolutions are fine and all, but let us make this year’s resolution making season different. Forget the individual promises. Instead let us make giant group resolutions, ones which we are pre-disposed to achieve, ones which once achieved will allow us to puff out our communal chest with pride and loudly proclaim, “Yes, all of us did all of that!” Who doesn’t want to feel that sense of group accomplishment, that collective feeling of a job well done? So let us join together and make 2013 the year we resolve to…

…dispense with common medical beliefs. After all, how often are the so-called “experts” changing their opinions on what is good for the body? Enough of their voodoo malarkey! Enjoy life! You want that extra scoop of ice cream? Get it! Is that after dinner smoke beckoning you? Puff away! Can’t stand exercising? Then don’t! If denying pleasure is the route to a long life of, well, pleasure denial, who wants to ride that train? Instead pass the gravy, double up on the butter and ignore any physical blips and bumps which may come your way.

…reject differing points of view. We must ensure that anyone who thinks contrary to what we think is publicly skewered and rightfully labeled a moron, imbecile, idiot, traitor and/or ignoramus. As Mark Twain once said, “The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.” The good news is we do this quite well already, so mucking it up would be tough. The trick is not letting pesky distractions like empathy and thoughtfulness seep into our pickled souls.

…push aside the weak, old and infirmed and make room for the young, aggressive and strong. One easy place to start is waging war against handicap parking. Just because someone has a so-called “condition” does that mean they should be entitled to a prime parking spot, especially when we already beat them to it? “First come, first serve” is a social norm for a reason. Why should most of us suffer just because a few of us are different?  Is that fair??

…take all the credit all the time. This could be tricky seeing how all of us will be doing this simultaneously, but do not let that small detail derail our quest to grab the glory. As the saying goes, “To the winners go the spoils” and who doesn’t want the spoils? No one, that’s who. So we must be constantly perceived as winners and the fastest route is let someone else do the work then swoop in and snatch up the credit. This requires delicate precision, so let us also resolve to improve our timing. The meek may inherit the earth, but that will be long after we are gone. Who has that kind of patience?

…protect us from the dangers of the world. Instead of restricting our ability to defend ourselves from the treacherous and deranged, let us dispense of all laws and regulations regarding any form of personal protection. Arm every man, woman and child with knives, TASERs, garrotes, pepper spray, brass knuckles, flails, spears, hand grenades, cyanide pills, nerve gas, and any type of firearm desired. Of course we will also need body armor, gas masks, holsters, satchels, and a utility belt (at a minimum) to protect us from everyone else who has knives, TASERs, garrotes, pepper spray, brass knuckles, flails, spears, hand grenades, cyanide pills, nerve gas, and firearms. Hey, nobody claimed all resolutions would be easy.

…lavish massive amounts of attention on anyone who exposes every bit of minutia about their private lives for public consumption. Let us catapult these brave souls to the top income bracket. Let us buy their creams and lotions and clothing and shoes and colognes and whatever else they are brilliant enough to market with their ubiquitous likeness. They are the true pioneers of the Information Age, the 15 minute famers Warhol spoke of all those years ago. Respect these new age entrepreneurs. Love and promote them, even though we fully understand they do not care one whit about us. Since our resolutions essentially embrace the same philosophy we totally get this, don’t we?