you heard it here first

Posted: November 22, 2011 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Oh yes, you know it’s coming. As these things go it’s as certain as J-Lo snagging a new man, Goldman-Sachs doling out obscene holiday bonuses, the guy at the Dunkin’ Donuts only being friendly with women under 25, and the sun being a mass of incandescent gas, a giant nuclear furnace. It’s coming and you better brace yourself.

Sometime on Friday, probably before noon (EST), a story will light up the web that an unfortunately situated shopper/employee/bystander got trampled to death early in the morning at a store offering an insane “first come, first serve” deal on some electronic product. You can see the headline now: “Tragedy Strikes Black Friday!” In a frenzied rush to get a 128” plasma television for $1.98 multitudes will stampede through the store to secure one of these three specially priced televisions. And god help anyone who gets in their way because seriously, who doesn’t need a 128” plasma television despite the fact the living room can only fit a 32” set?

Over the past 20+ years Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, has become a perverse national holiday of sorts. Shopping meets fraternity hazing. Never mind the irony that the term “Black Friday” has been used to throughout history to describe a day cloaked in tragedy. We have no time for irony; we have time for sales. People literally camp out in front of stores for the possibility of buying a deeply discounted item. And when I say “camp out” I mean Grizzly Adams style. Tents, sterno, sleeping bags, cases of beer. They plop themselves in line for hours and hours in cold and inclement weather, plotting and strategizing a line of attack once the store unlocks the chains on its doors. No wonder when the store finally opens the crowds are filled with a form of consumeristic bloodlust. It’s a disturbing phenomenon.

After this inevitable upcoming Friday tragedy cries of outrage will trumpet across the land. Brian Williams will moderate a special segment on NBC Nightly News asking if enough precautions were taken by the store and, for the love of all that is good and decent, how can we prevent this from happening again? Analysts will blabber on about retail psychology. Experts will discuss the elements of mob behavior. The poor public relations dolt representing the store will reiterate that all reasonable precautions were taken. A social scientist from Berkley will add her perspective. Other less severe episodes from outposts like Rapid City, South Dakota and Tupelo, Mississippi which be mentioned. Although none of those ended in death (only in bruised hips, thighs and feelings) they must be referenced. Eerily similar incidents from the past will be recalled and someone will introduce the concept of a “psychotic consumer epidemic sweeping the nation.” They will talk, they will debate, they will decry, they will somberly say “let’s not forget the victim and his family.” Oh yes, you know all of this is coming. Just remember you heard it here first. (Except for those countless other times in the past when the exact same thing happened.)

  1. lesliehobson says:

    But did anyone see coming the woman who sent 14 people to the hospital by using pepper spray to grab the best bargains – and got away with it? Oh America…


  2. Madness! It’s madness, I say! Where did you say they had the 128″ for $1.98?


  3. LOVED the TMBG Here Comes Science reference.


  4. Kana Tyler says:

    I’m staying HOME! 😉


  5. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I agree 100% with ya! It’s down right shameful someone will probably get trampled by crazy shoppers..I did the Friday shopping thing once – and I ended up walking outta the store and abandoning my cart – it was tooo chaotic for me.


  6. Hey Mr. Doomsayer! $1.98 is a great deal for a plasma T.V.! Come Saturday you’ll be regrettin’ you didn’t do the Grizzly Adams thing.

    Or, you’ll be like me, and hunting the internet for the best deal instead. No tramplin’ happens there. Except on my ego when I realize I paid too much…


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