Archive for the ‘Humorous Bits’ Category

common threads #16: thumb sucking

Posted: October 9, 2021 in Humorous Bits, Observations and Commentary
Tags: , , , , , ,
0

We think of thumb sucking as a baby’s behavior, one which may slide into toddler years. From birth a child will reflexively suck on any object put into its tiny, gummy mouth. Most agree this is a natural reflex evolved over many millennia (or 6,000 years if you are a strict creationist) to facilitate breast-feeding. You see it was difficult for a toothless child to eat fresh kill, be it rabbit or Stegosaurus. Sustenance had to come from somewhere lest the species wither away, so nature provided mother’s milk. What a beautiful thing, nature and nurture working together before the versus jumped in and ruined everything.

The sucking reflex associated with survival disappears early, generally after four months. Yet the pleasurable sensations associated with it don’t just evaporate like a barista when you absolutely cannot get through the next 30 seconds without a triple mocha Frappuccino. The cravings it satisfies – comfort, security, contentment – remain powerful. Substitutes are needed to fill the gap, both in your mouth and psyche. People who study these things call post-infant thumb sucking a non-nutritive sucking habit. The fastest and most readily available understudy is your thumb. It is literally (more…)

so far away

Posted: September 25, 2021 in Humorous Bits, Traskland
Tags: , , , ,
3

I walked around the local market and bumped into an old neighbor. He and his wife moved about two years ago, staying in town but upgrading to a single-family house to accommodate their ever-expanding brood. Despite his snug mask, I immediately recognized him.

“Hey! How are you?” I asked with genuine sincerity. He was a good neighbor, familiar without being intrusive, interested without being nosy, caring without being phony.

“Hi, John! It’s so nice to see you,” he replied, eyes smiling.

I tend to handle these types of chance encounters pretty well. I can effortlessly make a few minutes of small talk. It is a minor skill which hopefully helps (more…)

wild wild west

Posted: September 2, 2021 in Humorous Bits, Observations and Commentary
Tags: , , , , , ,
4

Yesterday Texas slipped further back into its wild, wild west fantasies. A flurry of laws went into effect which make the Lone Star State a fascinating and depressing petri dish of individual liberty and systematic repression. The ever-shifting Texan ground is fertile for commentary. Today let’s focus on House Bill 1927.

House Bill 1927, named for the last year when all was right with America dammit, allows most Texans to carry a handgun without first securing a permit. Before you get all indignant, keep in mind the Texas legislature is a reasonable body comprised of rational people making common-sense laws. For example, anyone convicted of a felony or domestic violence will still need that permit. Sensible, right? You should feel ashamed for scoffing at the notion the Texas legislature is anything other than reasonable.

Assuming you are without conviction, you are now free to carry your gun as you please. You can mosey down the street and play cowboy without needing a stupid piece of paper from a stupid bureaucratic hack trying to enforce (more…)

don’t forget about the squidger

Posted: August 10, 2021 in Humorous Bits, Traskland
Tags: , , , , , ,
5

Word came down today that my nephew was admitted to the University of Cambridge. He will begin his studies in the fall. As a statement of fact, he is officially further along than I was at 18. Heck, he is further along than I am now. Okay, I realize his accomplishment is not about me, but I simply want to assuage any uneasiness he may have harbored about a direct comparison to his New Jersey uncle. I imagine this was his predominant concern over the past several months as he awaited news of his acceptance. How could it not be? Well, the results are in and you are on it like a car bonnet. Rest easy, good nephew.

Cambridge is, as you know, one’s of the world’s most British universities. Founded over 550 years before the United States was even a gleam in a suspicious Plantagenet’s eye, they have been in the education biz for a long, long time. Not University of Bologna long, but definitely longer than (more…)

do your own research

Posted: August 1, 2021 in Humorous Bits, Observations and Commentary
Tags: , , , , , ,
2

“Would you like anchovies on your pizza?”

Excuse me? Anchovies on my pizza? Are you pranking me? That’s hilarious! Where is the hidden camera? While you’re at it you should ask if I’d like a nice dusting of baby powder and a fresh dollop of mud on each slice.

“Have you ever tried it?”

Wait. You’re serious? Why would I eat that? Imagine the sound of rodents racing through the walls as you sit down in a restaurant. You don’t see the wall crawlers, but does that matter? Would you still want to order food? Not if you’re with me. If you multiply that sickening feeling by 1,000 you may understand the scope of horror I feel when it comes to anchovies on pizza.

“You should try it. How can you be certain if you’ve never tried it? Do your own research, man.”

For that I had no comeback. They were right. Until I (more…)

HQ2: t-minus 20 and counting

Posted: January 18, 2018 in Humorous Bits, Observations and Commentary
Tags: , , , , , ,
1

Several months ago Amazon announced they planned to open a second corporate headquarters in either the United States or Canada. They named this new venture HQ2, not to be confused with the old school television shopping channels HSN and QVC. (2-3 weeks for delivery? How quaint!) Metropolitan areas were invited to pitch their “Pick Me!” stories. 238 proposals were received. Amazon promptly placed them in the “Save for Later” section of their shopping cart and continued their hugely successful mission to keep cardboard manufacturers busy.

Well, “later” has arrived. Sorta. The top 20 finalists were announced today. It is an understandably exciting time for these hopefuls. Amazon projects (more…)

it is Rapperswil, not rapper swill

Posted: January 12, 2018 in Humorous Bits, Photography, Travel
Tags: , , , , , ,
7


Rapperswil is part of a municipality in northeast Switzerland. It is *not* a questionable brand of bathtub gin marketed to struggling rap artists. You may think offering that lame pun in a local tavern will elicit good-natured laughter, but the only thing you’ll receive is the dreaded Swiss death stare. It is exactly the same look you get when you kid about money with a wealth manager from Credit Suisse. Switzerland may be famously neutral and their knives more functional than deadly, but their aloof contemplation can be withering. So do yourself a favor. Resist the urge to make a bad Rapperswil joke, especially while in Rapperswil. Don’t be the Ugly American.

Rapperswil was settled many centuries ago and for a long, long time was its own thing. Oh sure, an occasional power struggle erupted to keep things interesting, but (more…)

bomb cyclone

Posted: January 6, 2018 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , ,
6

New Jersey, along with a large portion of the eastern United States, is in the midst of a “bomb cyclone.” Bomb cyclone grabs your attention, doesn’t it? It commands a serious and dramatic response. It also sounds like a new film by Roland Emmerich or an especially potent libation at “The Bunker”, the Pentagon’s underground officer’s lounge. Naturally, real meteorologists don’t call it this. They prefer “explosive cyclogenesis.” For them explosive cyclogenesis more concisely explains what it is happening. Conveniently, it also helps justify debt incurred through years of graduate and post-graduate study.

Weather events like these are very technical, but a winning topic of conversation among attendees of the annual meeting of the American Meteorological Society. Those folks (more…)

jackass parade

Posted: August 20, 2016 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , ,
2

We join the monthly Jackass Parade already in progress with our commentators Leslie and Bill.

Leslie:  Remember how he served his wife divorce papers when she was in the hospital fighting cancer? That was some memorable jackassery!

Bill:  Hold that thought, Leslie. Here comes Ryan Lochte. I think he’s bleached his hair even lighter. Listen to those jeers and boos. The crowd is (more…)

common threads #15: tools

Posted: August 3, 2016 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , ,
4

tools

A craftsman I am not, although I can use some tools to complete certain tasks without major injury or property damage. Give me a pair of pliers and I will grip or twist or bend whatever needs gripping, twisting, or bending. Give me a screwdriver and I will screw and unscrew until (more…)

Older Entries