Trask Avenue

Displeasure with personal appearance is certainly not a recent phenomenon, although at the rate we’re consuming every edible consumable within reach it’s easy to think it is. Throughout history all cultures have latched onto various forms of trickery and illusion to enhance the attractiveness of the human body which, let’s be honest, is needed by 99.92% of the human bodies bobbing around the planet. Of course body adornment isn’t always about vanity. Occasionally, religious or social customs dictate shoving a stick through your nose or displaying your nifty stigmata. However, those are exceptions in the world of body adornment, a world with no rules. If you don’t believe me say hi to Elaine Davidson. One thought about Elaine: You have to love her strong sense of self, but that doesn’t mean I’d appreciate waiting behind her as she goes through airport security.

I think we can all agree the most prevalent form of body adornment is jewelry. It being Valentine’s Day and all it is doubly logical to go straight for the jewelry. Isn’t that what Valentine’s Day is all about? Well, that and flowers. But we’re not talking about flowers, even though those damn free-spirited, peace-loving, hookah-smoking, music-making hippies wore flowers in their hair as a type of body adornment. So to answer you Mr. Scott McKenzie, I’m not going to San Francisco. I’m here to talk about jewelry.

Jewelry is omnipresent, like god or Twitter. It is worn by men, women and, most importantly, toddlers with tiaras. Its cost has a wider range than the seat of Ruben Studdard’s pants. You can buy inexpensive stuff, you cheap bastid, or you can go for the good stuff. The good stuff costs good money and the really good stuff requires the services of a stealth professional with light fingers, also expensive. But when it comes to enhancing appearance who cares about cost? Since when has something as silly and trivial as money been an obstacle to showing off self-improvement? The time is to get all financially practical is in aisle 4 when deciding whether to buy the name brand chickpeas or the store brand, not when buying jewelry. Go for the gusto! The point of jewelry has nothing to do with affordability. So what if you heedlessly fling yourself into massive debt? You don’t buy a house without playing the old “let’s do this on credit and my good name” card, do you? And that’s much more expensive despite the fact jewelry is clearly as important as any silly means of shelter, especially since it consists of precious metals and minerals. Unlike a house which consists of wood and stone, stuff you can get for free in any public park. If your jewelry purchases somehow send you spiraling into the morass of destitution, look on the bright side. You’ll look fabulous in debtor’s prison. At least for the first 30 seconds or so.

The variety of jewelry is enough to make you want to quit your job and get into the jewelry business. They call it the “jewelry business” only because it sounds nicer than the “business of overcharging people to fulfill their endless need to show off self-improve.” Take rings as an example. Rings are one simple type of jewelry, yet they cover an enormous swatch of territory. It’s no wonder Sauron wanted to be the Lord of them. People wear rings all over their body. You’ll find them on fingers and toes. They might be snapped on ears (lobes and cartilage) and noses. Toss back a few too many martinis and you could wake to find a ring through your belly button, eyebrow or, if they were really tasty drinks, nipple. Toss back a pitcher of martinis and regardless of how good they tasted when you regain consciousness you’ll immediately feel that warm sensation which comes when a special ring adorns your special place. And I don’t mean the engagement kind on your ring finger. There’s also rings for arms, legs and, if you believe the detergent companies, around the collar. I wouldn’t break the bank for that one.

In the scope of these things jewelry is actually on the mild side. More radical forms of body adornment await the adventurous. Some folks enjoy a good body painting. (If you’ve never tried this I strongly recommend watching the cautionary tale Goldfinger first.) Other people like tattoos which are like body painting taken to the next level, although they don’t wash off as easily. Over the past 20 years or so tattoos have become quite popular. In fact they’ve become so popular that in a strange cultural twist many MCCs now reject new members simply because they have tattoos. Especially tattoos of sport team logos. I imagine we all agree with that. And, of course, there are those like Elaine who worship at the altar of piercing.

Whatever your motivation some form of body adornment exists to satisfy you. You simply need to remain open-minded and flexible. Don’t like that new necklace? Get a frog tattoo on your ankle! No longer crazy about that hat you bought after watching the royal wedding? Shave your eyebrows! Can’t quite decide between dying your hair blonde or red? Get a vertical labret! I guarantee your showing off self improvement measures will make you the hot topic of discussion. Not that that’s what you were aiming for, but no one said being stunning came without a price.
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