family tree

Posted: April 30, 2012 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , ,

The Trask Avenue family has a long history. We share with you some of those who came before us.

Traskulus? Who knows?

Traskulus Bargainus (285-330)
Traskulus Bargainus was a noted tapestry merchant in Rome during reign of Constantine I. He became widely famous for promoting the use of advertising slogans to popularize subpar and shoddy merchandise. He is alleged to have invented the concept of selling overstocked items at largely discounted prices by invoking the phrase “Everything Must Go!” However, several significant scholars claim the original phrase was actually “Everything must go before the nasty centurion bastards crash through my door and steal my goodies for the greedy Emperor”. Traskulus was commonly known to Roman citizens of the era as “Crazy Trasky”.

Traskalot tending his sheep.

Traskalot, the Wordy Shepherd (625?-679)
Traskalot was a social climbing shepherd and raconteur who held a seat of distinction (3rd on the left) at the Parallelogram Table, a gathering of wannabe warriors presided over by Llacheu, a purported son of legendary King Arthur. While the record is sketchy, multiple sources claim Traskalot was famous throughout the shire for his effusive use of language, especially prepositional phrases. In one surviving manuscript Llacheu describes Traskalot as “mann hwone oferspreca blóstmig” (man who talks flowery). Traskalot was killed during The Great Sheep Rebellion of 679 as he was mistakenly sheared by a drunken knight.

That’s Sam in the back.

Samuel Trask (1739-1798)
Samuel’s most notable accomplishment was being a charter member of the lesser known (and wholly unremarkable) “Minutemen of New Jersey.” Unlike their Massachusetts brethren Samuel’s group, which included him and five rabble-rousing shopkeepers, did not get their name from their ability to quickly prepare for battle. Instead the name was unknowingly bestowed upon the six men by their wives in a sustained fit of marital frustration. Since they were unaware of their status as a “group” they were often confused by the constant giggling which followed whenever they passed a fellow citizen.

Festus at 21.

Festus “Muleface” Trask (1821-1847?)
Muleface was early American pioneer who left home at 15 to explore the western lands. He got his nickname for his inability to avoid being kicked in the face by mules. (Unofficially he was face-planted 11 times.) He signed on as a scout in 1846 for one of the first Oregon Territory wagon trains. Several surviving diaries from that trip refer to Festus, alternately calling him “buffalo chip breath”, “that idiot”, and “the fool we sent to ahead to talk with angry Indians.” In August 1847 he was sent on a scouting mission to talk with Gohoma, a fierce Black Hawk chief. A week later the wagon train came upon a crudely marked grave with a simple message written in Sauk: He died as he lived. Ugly.

Sketch for his portable fan.

Rutherford Trask (1850-1916)
A contemporary of Thomas Edison this prolific inventor always claimed his discoveries would have a far greater impact on the world than those of his Menlo Park nemesis. Rutherford bought a tract of land in the mining country of northwestern New Jersey in 1881 where he opened an inventor’s laboratory. He put out a call inviting the “mediocre and marginally dim” to join him in a quest “to make stuff.” It didn’t succeed and remains known to this day as “Trask’s Folly.” He did secure a number of patents during his life including ones for “Optical Earphones”, “Reversible Bloomers” and “Wax Cookery”.

  1. kayjai says:

    You’re quite the genealogist…impressive. As for Festus, well, there’s one in every family…


  2. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I hurt myself from laughing.


  3. sparklebumps says:

    Fortuneately, you turned out alot prettier than your ancestors.


  4. Well, that’s a lot to live up to. I’ll be watching to see how well you treat the name of ‘Trask’.


  5. surroundedbyimbeciles says:

    I’m glad to see pioneer stock in your family’s past. If more people like Festus went west, then the Native Americans may have been more successful.


  6. Are you sure Rutherford Trask wasn’t trying to recruit congressmen to invent stuff because “mediocre and marginally dim” sounds like an apt description of those Washington denizens?


  7. I think you should resurrect the Reversible Bloomers idea.


  8. thewrongmen says:

    this is very clever John. Wish I was feeling more articulate, but…I’m not.


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