zero out of one hundred doctors recommend

Posted: December 8, 2012 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Every Friday, much to my doctor’s and Aarón Sanchez’ infinite dismay, I lunch at Taco Bell. Twas a time when this meal would include heaping servings of cheese and refried beans, for what is Mexican food without the delicious anticipation of firing up a defibrillator? It’s like Frida without Diego, Mumford without sons, aid without abet. But in a quest to be better to my body I have reformed my ways. Some folks might argue abandoning Taco Bell altogether would demonstrate a real commitment to healthy reformation, silly notions contrived by silly people. So in lieu of cheesey cheese products melted upon layers of processed pinto beans I opt for a healthier alternative, Crunchy Fresco Tacos.

Crunchy Fresco Tacos are just like regular crunchy tacos, except fiesta salsa is liberally substituted for the heavenly shredded cheesey cheese product. Fiesta salsa is Taco Bell’s cutesy name for their version of pico de gallo, a traditional mixture of fresh tomatoes, fresh onions and fresh cilantro. Does fiesta salsa contain these fresh, straight from the garden ingredients? Well, tomatoes, onion and green bits which could be cilantro are certainly evident. That much is true. As for fresh…I suppose we could contrast our definition of fresh with Taco Bell’s, but that leads down a dark and dangerous path eventually placing us square in the center of a debate about what constitutes beef. If I wish to continue my Friday lunch tradition not only do I not want to go there. I cannot go there.

P.P.M.R. (Post Post Minor Rant) – Why did the descriptor “hard” fall victim in the taco naming wars? Yes, yes, crunchy may sound more appetizing at first blush, but classes of insects could also be described as crunchy. The problem isn’t so much the desire to change the name. It is the lack of consistency in food naming conventions. If hard tacos must now be called crunchy tacos because the taco makers want an adjective that applies to texture then soft tacos should be called squishy tacos. End of discussion.

  1. I don’t like the idea of Taco Bell offering anything that smacks of fresh ingredients. If I want fresh ingredients, I’ll go elsewhere.


  2. rangewriter says:

    Life is made of compromises. Or is life made for compromises? In either case, I am the queen of dietary compromise. I try to eat nice fresh green stuff, organically and locally grown and and all that rot. But every now and then, I just must have a fast food fix. Mexican is usually my first choice, too. Taco Bell? Well, I go there, but I try not to because it pisses me off that the big indoor arena on campus as to be called the Taco Bell Arena.


  3. whiteladyinthehood says:

    I’m with you on this one, Traskie! Taco Bell is good! I went into one a few years back and went to the order counter (16 year old guy was working) I ordered me up some tacos and the guy said what kind? In my most stupid fashion, I exclaimed, “Oh, I like the hard ones!” Needless to say, his shocked and appalled expression left me quite the blusher. He whispered, “I think you are referring to crunchy.” (just give me the damn tacos)


  4. greg says:

    I thought Taco Bell tacos were called ‘crunchy’ tacos *because* of the insects.


  5. You make a good point about hard versus crunchy… Though I might argue that hard sounds stale.
    I think you’re wise to go with the fresco offerings – though it’s not always easy to make the words form in your mouth when they really want to say “Double decker taco supreme” (Obviously a very authentic Mexican name.)


  6. Wow, you need to come to San Antonio and have some real Mexican food.


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