i’m confused

Posted: November 26, 2011 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , ,

We can’t be good at everything. The list of stuff I’m not good at is particularly long and especially amusing. Near the very top sits “Anything to do with home improvement.” I’m not proud when it comes to being the fix-it guy I have more thumbs than the population of China. These are skills I never picked up along life’s journey and, to be perfectly frank, I’m not really interested in learning now. The way I see it paying someone to come tighten a screw contributes to the economic cycle which helps keep the world turning.

One of the unfortunate side effects of this affliction is I often have trouble following when the conversation turns to repairs, construction, tools and similar topics. I’m fine if we bounce from sports to food to music to women to movies. But once my friends go all “this old house” on me and dip into carpentry, plumbing or electrical work I get lost faster than Nickelback at a music appreciation seminar. Trying to understand what they’re talking about requires far more concentration than I can muster. I imagine it’s similar to being thrown in a cage with chatty monkeys and being told to follow along. At this point in the festivities I usually decide to go to the restroom. If I sense an endless riff dissecting every facet of house repair on the horizon, I’m homeward bound. Catch you on the flip side, fellas.

This immense canyon in my base of knowledge recently came to light. Again. I realized when it comes to these topics most men use words in ways I’m not accustomed. It’s like they have this secret language, but with common words. English is screwy enough without having to master a whole subset of intent. Let me demonstrate with far too many examples.

Apron
(Them) Chuck, make sure that apron is lined up evenly under that sill.
(Me) Honey, do you need me to fetch your apron before you bake those cookies?

Beam
(Them) You got your beam running across up there and that’s where you mount those light fixtures.
(Me) Beam me up, Scotty.

Circuit
(Them) What you got, Tom, is a blown circuit.
(Me) I heard Jeff Gordon might quit the NASCAR circuit.

Crosscut
(Them) Well Jack, you got to use the crosscut saw for that job.
(Me) You’re not going crosscut some weird pattern into my hair, are you?

Crown
(Them) Just install a crown in the pavement to help with water runoff.
(Me) Can you believe the Queen still wears that silly crown?

Drill
(Them) Charlie, hand me the drill with a 9/16” bit.
(Me) The thing I hate most about the dentist is the sound of the drill.

Elbow
(Them) The leak under the sink can be fixed by replacing the corroded elbow.
(Me) My elbow is itchy.

Framing
(Them) They’re doing a damn good job framing the new extension.
(Me) I love the framing on that painting.

Gable
(Them) Buck and the boys did some fine work with the gables they installed up there.
(Me) Clark Gable was funny in It Happened One Night.

Grade
(Them) There’s a slight grade we need to take into account when we install the new patio.
(Me) If you think I’m showing my parents my math grade you’re nuts.

Hammer
(Them) One solid hit with the hammer will drive that sucker in there good.
(Me) Can you believe how desperate Denise was to hammer her point home?

Header
(Them) You gotta make sure that the header is perpendicular to the joists or the whole thing will collapse.
(Me) After my third martini I took a header off the curb.

Level
(Them) Grab the level so I can make sure this thing ain’t crooked.
(Me) I think the doctor’s office is on the third level.

Nail
(Them) Grab me another masonry nail so I can finish attaching this rail.
(Me) I snagged my nail on the sweater.

Pave
(Them) I’m telling you Ralph, if he doesn’t pave that driveway soon he’s gonna have big problems this winter.
(Me) Children, my purpose today is to pave the way for you to succeed in sports betting.

Pitch
(Them) I think the pitch on Jimmy’s new roof is going to make water fill his gutters too fast.
(Me) Does anyone pitch better than Doc Halladay?

Post
(Them) First thing you need to do is secure that post in the ground.
(Me) I’m already agonizing about tonight’s blog post.

Punch List
(Them) Yeah, when we knock out these last few items on the punch list we can call it a night.
(Me) The entire Kardashian family is on my punch list.

Subfloor
(Them) Once we put down the subfloor we can bring in the slats of hardwood.
(Me) I was watching Yellow Submarine and Ringo fell down and hit his head on the subfloor.

Vent
(Them) The reason you’re getting black soot everywhere is because that vent needs a good cleaning.
(Me) I needed to vent after watching five minutes of American Idol.

Wrench
(Them) Your basic toolbox better have a wrench in it.
(Me) If I bend over I’m sure to wrench my back.

There you have it. If you want to confuse me just start talking about home improvement. My head spins like Linda Blair’s riding the teacups.

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Comments
  1. It’s usually less expensive to repair if we don’t work on it first. Some of us just didn’t inherit the fix-it gene, the knit-it gene, or the computer language gene. But I can cook, garden, write and dance like a $%^#@%*(#! Well, unless the oven needs repairing, but that’s a different story.

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  2. sparklebumps says:

    I’m confused. I’m excellent at everything. 🙂
    I liked your definitions of those word much better. They were very funny.

    Like

  3. whiteladyinthehood says:

    …I gotta bust on ya too – all your terms were used correctly in the ‘them’ sentences..hehe..I’m a tomboy so I pretty much knew what they all meant, anyway – and Hey – I like Nickelback..

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    • John says:

      Apparently lots of people like them. They sell a bazillion albums a year. Unless you’re the only one who likes them and you’re buying a bazillion of their albums a year.

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  4. (Them) It’s important to have the right tools for the job.
    (Me) Those guys are such tools.

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  5. munchow says:

    We all have our afflictions. Fortunate for you, you know what yours are. The rest of us go around being stupid without even try to make sense. Great post. I laughed all the way to the end of the it. As BrianRants pointed out you actually seem to be able to use the terms in contrary to your belief.

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  6. BrainRants says:

    And yet you correctly used each term in a sentence… you’re being tricky, John.

    Like

  7. Hilarious! I never even thought some of those words had multiple meanings – like apron!!!!

    Like

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