Trask Avenue

We join the monthly Jackass Parade already in progress with our commentators Leslie and Bill.

Leslie:  Remember how he served his wife divorce papers when she was in the hospital fighting cancer? That was some memorable jackassery!

Bill:  Hold that thought, Leslie. Here comes Ryan Lochte. I think he’s bleached his hair even lighter. Listen to those jeers and boos. The crowd is hating it!

(loud jeering and booing)

L:  Well deserved, Bill, well deserved. After all, Ryan had a big month. Juvenile frat boy behavior, lying to Brazilian authorities about an alleged crime, fleeing the country before he could be detained, and letting his stupid friends take the fall. Those are all exquisite moves by an experienced jackass.

B:  Don’t forget that he embarrassed the United States and the IOC in the process. When you add in the fact he is 32 years old and still an attention whore, he may well be looking at a nomination for Jackass of the Year.

L:  Once an attention whore, always an attention whore. But you’re right, Bill. He has a strong chance for a nomination. His publicist driven, lawyered up Twitter apology certainly can’t hurt either.

B:  There’s Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort. His smile is tighter than a Swiss banker’s.

L:  He’s waving to the crowd, but it appears many people don’t recognize him.

B:  That’s understandable. Campaign insiders are insiders for a reason. But it could be because of that steely gray float he’s riding on. It has no pizzazz.

L:  Interesting fact about that float, Bill. It was generously donated by the large Russian truck manufacturer, KamAZ. Note its blunt lines and utilitarian style.

B:  Much like his former boss.

(shared laughter)

L:  Now here’s a float with bling!

B:  Ahh, yes. The Kardashians. Leslie, they are such a fixture at this parade. There is talk they may become the lead float every month.

L:  And with good reason. Why just yesterday Kim shared photos of her twerking.

B:  Relatively tame stuff for her.

L:  Well, she oiled up her butt first.

B:  That’s why she is a Kardashian! The volume and variety of their jackass behavior is astounding.

L:  Yes it is, Bill. In these oversharing times they are jackasses to behold.

B:  Look! Kris is twerking for the camera! She is truly a parent who leads by example.

L:  Mom, if you’re watching please don’t get any ideas!

(shared laughter)

B:  Oh, and here comes one of the highlights of each parade – the Float of Everyday Jackasses.

L:  I see Chenoa Taylor from Wisconsin. She was arrested Wednesday morning after being pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked her to get out of her car she refused, popped open a beer, and took a swig.

B:  Classic move.

L:  Almost as classic as taking hits from a computer duster aerosol can then crashing into the Walmart from which it was stolen.

B:  You talking about Daniel Spear from Portland, Maine, of course. To be fair to Daniel, he didn’t steal the can.

L:  That’s right, Bill. That was Justin Wells, the moron with the stupid smile who has his arm draped over Daniel’s shoulder.

B:  I love the fact they were both on probation when it happened.

B & L:  Jackasses!!!

(shared laughter)