eyes front, people. november 15 has something to say

Posted: November 15, 2011 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve been asked by my November friends to alert you about something which has stretched the limits of our patience. They picked me because today, November 15, is my day. Who better to grab your attention than the one sitting in your lap?

With so much focus heaped on last week’s 11/11/11 the rest of us November days feel pretty damn slighted. Because of a mere quirk of the calendar you people treated 11 with a reverence which was frankly embarrassing. Don’t you have anything better to do than get irrationally excited because a date repeats its digits three times? I have to tell you, the rest of the gang – all twenty-nine of us – are nauseated. Even 24 and 25 acted outraged, but you could tell their level of disdain was ratcheted down a notch since this is their year to don those Thanksgiving and Black Friday suits. But at least they’re aware those suits change hands every year. Conversely, 11 lorded this whole 11/11/11 thing over us for many months. Like it was never going to end. We kept telling him if it wasn’t 2011 none of this attention would come his way, but he ignored us. He even went so far as to buy 11 of those dumb countdown clocks and strategically place them throughout the house. (He thought using 11 clocks was humorous. We thought it arrogant, the bastard.) By the time his actual day arrived 11 was pretty much unbearable. We even stopped inviting him to Bingo Night. If that doesn’t send a clear message I don’t know what does.

Being shunned by his closest compadres might have worked if you people had just shut up about him. Everywhere we heard “11” this and “11” that. “Oooo, where will you be on 11/11/11 at 11:11 and 11 seconds?” Really, you should be ashamed, every last one of you. Now that his fleeting moment of glory has passed, 11 is desperately trying to mend fences. He’s lucky he has the Veteran’s Day card to play, that’s all I can say.

Suffice to say the rest of us feel as if we’re owed – and we’ve come to collect. We held a meeting last night (without 11, of course) and decided to get in your face every day for the rest of the month to pound our individual awesomeness down your throat. I’m hesitant to say we want to “educate” you because that’s condescending. Instead, let’s call it “raising your frickin’ awareness.” Each of us has unique and bitchin’ things which should be embraced and celebrated. Not by us. By you.

True, in the past our promotional efforts lacked pizzazz. We understand being sandwiched between the bi-polar beauty queen October and the pathetic attention craving December puts us at a bit of a disadvantage. We also realize we’re late starting this awareness campaign considering half the month is already in the books. Promoting 2’s ravishing allure or 7’s off-the-chart coolness or 12’s extreme radical nature should’ve happened on their days, but didn’t. So to all our 1-14 brothers and sisters (again, except 11), we publically acknowledge we should’ve acted sooner. Next year will be different. (Although, to be fair, each of you could have brought this up back in August. Just sayin’.) Anyway, since today is my day, November 15, that’s where we’ll start.

November 15 is the 319th day of the year. Did you know 319 is a Smith Number? I bet you didn’t! While Smith Numbers are not as rare as other mathematical oddities, not every number can lay claim as one. For example, only 14 days of the year are Smith Numbers. That’s less than 4% and I’m proud to say I’m one of them. 319 is also a Prince song, although I’m not going to directly quote the mini-Minnesotan’s lyrics. Let’s just say he shows his usual fondness for “holler”, “scream”, “wet”, “body” and the like. I mean, come on, is anyone shocked? This is Prince we’re talking about.

Aside from my stature as day 319, today is also one of historical significance. Let me cite a few examples. On this day in:

1859 – The first modern revival of the Olympic Games occurred in Athens (Greece, not Georgia). Not as grand and encompassing as the current games, it was still pretty rockin’. Events included running, discus, javelin, wrestling, jumping and pole climbing. Today you call that a typical night at a (ahem) “gentleman’s club.” Whatever. Just because you have the morals of a senator, don’t go dragging me through the mud.

1777 – In the American colonies the Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation (AOC). This is big stuff! (Suck it, July 4th.) The AOC served as the United States’ first constitution until that pushy U.S. Constitution came along and usurped it twelve years later. But without the AOC to get the ball rolling who knows what would have followed? We might all be eating mutton, drinking warm ale and watching Manchester United. So, you’re welcome.

1959 – Four members of the Clutter family were murdered in their home near Holcomb, Kansas. In Cold Blood, the resulting best seller by Truman Capote, recounts this horrific event. Okay, I can see how this is probably not a good reason to celebrate the astonishing 15. However, let me point out 22 sure has gotten a lot of mileage from 1963. Am I right or am I right?

I could go on and on about me, 15. Venezuela joined the United Nations. The space shuttle Atlantis was launched. The first assembly of The League of Nations convened. Sherman burned Atlanta and began his march to the sea. (Okay, maybe not that one either.) I could go on, but I won’t. You get the point. We’re each deserving of your attention. Yes, even 11 (once next year circles around). And if all of that isn’t enough to get you to take notice let me leave you with this: November 15 is “America Recycles Day”. So don’t celebrate for me. Celebrate to help give your kids and grandkids a cleaner planet. Don’t be a selfish dolt.

  1. Doc says:

    I never realized 15 was so… loquacious. Is he always this way? Or was he fueled by jealousy and Jagermeister? I enjoyed reading your rant but, to be truthful, am fearful of saying anything negative in case 15 ever finds out where I live. Oh, and happy birthday.


  2. Hiya 15. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you. As a representative of 3 (actual 3 having gone on vacation, leaving me in her stead, or at least that’s what I told the press….mwhahahaha), I have to say that 11 gets way too much attention as is. Ever since it hitched 7 in Vegas, the rest of us have had to hear about the happy union far too often.

    I salute you 15, I salute you.


  3. BrainRants says:

    I’m lost. Is it your birthday? WTF.


    • John says:

      November 15 asked me to respond since he’s busy nursing a hangover. He wants you to know that, although he didn’t mention it, November 15 is his birthday!


  4. joem18b says:

    Here in East Xyguyabera, according to the Xyguyenza calendar, today is 15/15/15.



  5. John says:

    I think the November guys are pretty much going to let December figure it out on their own.


  6. You November guys better send a warning shout over to December. Next year will be 12/12/12.

    Very creative and clever.


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