the plight of the modern vampire

Posted: November 17, 2011 in Humorous Bits
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Have you ever seen a destitute vampire, a vampire so impoverished that he dressed in smelly rags and lived in the dumpster outside a poorly rated Chinese takeout joint? I certainly haven’t. Every single one appears to be well-off, like a trust fund baby grown to maturity. Let’s face it. Vampires may be bankrupt in many ways, but financially is not one of them. They know how to manage wealth. They have to in order to support that kickin’ lifestyle surrounded by hoards of smokin’ hot undeads. You can’t sustain that if you’re constantly fighting off creditors.

I guess once you realize by employing a few common sense precautions you will survive for hundreds of years (in robust health at that) you’d also want to ensure comfort and safety in a bad-ass crib. Go down the list. Dracula and his magnificent castle, Lestat and his French Quarter love nest, Lili Munster and her Victorian on Mockingbird Lane. They all knew the deal. And none of these bloodsuckers lacked the other little luxuries which make existence cozier, like eye-popping gems and plush sleeping quarters. As it stands vampires already deal with a lot: staying out of the sunlight, an incessant need to feed, avoiding mirrors when around non-vampires, proper fang cleaning and care. All this takes effort. Why make it more difficult by living in poverty? Yes, it’s not at all hard to understand why they choose opulence, even when it’s generally gaudy.

However, I fear the days when it was easy to live as a vampire of means may be disappearing. For one, staying off the grid is almost impossible. When you’re wealthy it becomes even more difficult. No one is concerned about the weird pale guy living in the rat-infested apartment building next to the abandoned pencil factory. But plenty of people are interested in the stylish, light-skinned bachelor who maintains an eccentrically decorated co-op on the Upper East Side, among them the co-op’s Board and the federal government. While the Board tends to care mostly about respectability (easy to feign), the government wants every detail about you unveiled and tucked away in their computers. For a being with no birth certificate or official credentials this poses problems.

Of course if you don’t mind living in squalor while dealing with all the ancillary vampire crap survival becomes much less complicated. But show me a vampire who doesn’t possess a lust for elegance, doesn’t appreciate a finely tailored long coat or Versace evening gown, or shows no interest in hobnobbing with the society’s upper crust and I’ll show you a vampire in denial. (Brainstorm for new reality show! Vampire Intervention! Are you listening A&E?) To a denizen of the night, living well is as important as avoiding decapitation, but I suppose we can all say that.

How then does your typical modern day vampire maintain luxury in an upscale neighborhood with good schools and a low crime rate without attracting the attention of The Man and his vast network of intrusive data gatherers? Other than killing everyone there is but one solution: computer hacking. Oh, and not just “funny haha” prankster hacking. We’re talking about hacking of unusual sophistication, enough sophistication to slip in and out of government databases undetected and at will so “official” records can be modified as needed. Even though extensive wisdom is gained from living across centuries, the intricacies of high-level programming and exceptional data security is not something you can just pick up. I suspect it will take more than a few semesters of night classes at DeVry to solve this dilemma. Technology may be designed to make our lives easier, but for a vampire remaining ignorant to the enigma of binary code isn’t much different than receiving a stake through the heart.

Nonetheless, I’m confident our vampires will find their way around these latest hurdles. They’ve managed to survive much worse, including the Twilight series. But as you begin to notice a proliferation of goth revivals in our poorest urban districts remember what’s really happening: these creatures are simply trying to survive. If you happen to come across a distressed nightstalker it’s more important than ever to show empathy. Just keep a head of garlic on you at all times to be on the safe side.

  1. John says:

    Thank you and thanks for reading!


  2. Bassas Blog says:

    Quirky and very funny with perhaps some parallels to modern day ‘survivalists’ 🙂

    I found your blog via What I meant to say.


  3. Don’t worry about your vampy buds. All they have to do is suck on some computer geek, turn the geekster or make same a familiar. Then said minion (I just love that word, minion) can be forced to do the vampires bidding. Geez, didn’t you know that?

    You should also know that you have to destroy the zombie’s brain to stop them. Just shooting or hacking parts off only pisses them off.


    • John says:

      Your vampire strategy is good. Finding the right computer geek could prove to be a bit of a problem, but what the hell. They have time on their side.

      And yes, zombies do need the “double tap.”


  4. Oh gosh, just read Vivian’s comment. Have they dwindled to a single percent now? Maybe life is getting harder out there for them as well.


    • John says:

      You and Vivian are too smart. The whole analogy to the small percentage living off the large percentage never occurred to me.


      • I used to find it amusing, in college, when a professor would project all sorts of esoteric meanings and allegories into what I put on paper, thinking to myself, “Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar!” But, the fact is that we all color our interpretations, whether of images or words, with shades of what move us; with what we believe in or feel strongly about. Reading your piece, I could not help but immediately draw the parallel with the OWS Movement and their outrage against the 1%. Political satire along the same vein as “Alice In Wonderland…” : )


  5. I’m assuming they have had years in which to build their wealth and that there must be something appealing about them or we just wouldn’t be interested. There are plenty of zombies for the poor undead stories. But on the otherhand, perhaps it is the symbology of the blood sucking 4% who feed on the remaining 96% of us – who knows?


    • John says:

      Building wealth is one thing. Holding onto it is something else. I’m sure there are a portion of vampites who invested in things like the Edsel and Betamax.


  6. sparklebumps says:

    Well, you know, if I had to live forever, i wouldn’t really wanna do it in the ghetto either…


  7. Hmmm… I can’t help but draw parallels between vampires, and blood-sucking members of the 1%…


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